Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
