I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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