How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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