I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
