This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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