soooo we both peed the bed last night...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
