there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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