Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
