Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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