I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
