I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
