Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
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I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
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Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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