I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
