If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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