Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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