Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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