Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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