Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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