If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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