the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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