when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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