Small penises have feelings too.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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