just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
