I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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