what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
