I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
