I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
