I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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