If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
