I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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