Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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