If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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