a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!