Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.