She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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