I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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