The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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