I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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