About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
