I hate your face
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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