Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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