Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
