Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
