I want to make a zoo with you.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
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Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
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I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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