I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
