the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
