You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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