After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
