remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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