last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.