This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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