Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
