I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he fucked my hip out of place.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
