Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
