walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
she smelled like a LAN party
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
