Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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