New low: just hacked my moms facebook
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
