Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
