I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
