i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
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YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
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Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.