Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there