It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
