He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
