How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I will die if light touches me.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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